Awake at Night
by tulitennant
Summary: Clara can't sleep on Christmas Eve, so she goes to find the Doctor late at night and learns a little more about his past, and maybe about her future.
1. Chapter 1

All that could be heard was the gentle hum of the console room, the TARDIS never slept, the usual sounds of laughter, running, shouting were now gone, as the two current inhabitants of the TARDIS were lying in their beds. Even from Clara's bedroom she could hear the TARDIS hum, but it didn't bother her, far from it, every night it would soothe her to sleep, but not tonight.

It was 11:30pm that Clara lay in her bed (her bed in the TARDIS, that is), wide-awake. They had returned at around 10:00pm after such an eventful day, they couldn't have been more tired, so they sat and talked a while, Clara and the Doctor, and then agreed it was time for both of them to be in their beds. By 10:30 she was tucked up, in about three layers of jumpers with a mountain of duvets, the reason for this was that the Doctor had set up that, at night time, the temperature of the TARDIS would reflect seasons, so they'd have spring, summer, autumn and winter. Right now, as you'd guess, they were in winter. Christmas Eve, to be precise, the Doctor liked to pretend that this setting was for Clara's benefit, so she'd feel more at home, but she'd seen him light up when she began to hang tinsel, the reflection in the baubles had shown him grinning from ear to ear, and every now and then she could see him inhale the smell of lots of Christmassy cakes and bakes, she'd given up on the soufflés for now, just for Christmas, and then she'd start right up again. He loved getting into the season of Christmas; she guessed it helped him feel more wanted, if there's someone around to celebrate with.

That day, he had taken her to a planet called Christmas. It was mainly a holiday destination for people at Christmas, it was Christmas all year round there, and it was fantastic, until the trouble that always seemed to follow them had arrived: there was a lot of running, shouting, and unfortunately, one death. That's why Clara couldn't sleep, right in front of her, not three feet away, a man was stabbed through the chest, she saw his body fall limp and crash to the ground. It was not as though they could have done anything, but it disturbed her nonetheless. The Doctor didn't see, he wasn't aware of it, that's why she was sure that he slept soundly, and she was glad that he did, because seeing him in anguish was worse than anything else.

She turned over, trying to gain a more comfortable position, but it was not the bed that was uncomfortable, it was her mind. The bed was the comfiest she'd ever slept in, and the duvets hugged her close, it was all apart of the TARDIS, so she knew that, in reality, it was just the TARDIS that was hugging her close, there was a being that warmed and soothed her as she went to sleep. She wished it was the Doctor - but she couldn't wish that – and she wouldn't wish that. Now, all that trickled through her head was remembering the running, running faster than ever with the Doctor's hand curled around hers, the feeling was ecstatic. She still couldn't sleep, though.

She swung her legs out of the bed, forgetting how cold it really was, and reached for her fur lined boots, she would go to the Doctor's room, just to see if he was awake, she got a dressing gown over her thick, fluffy pajamas, and slowly opened her door, she could see the lights from the console glow, and she stepped out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2

She could hear her gentle footsteps make a faint tap on the metallic floor, no matter how softly she walked. She saw the TARDIS react to her being up, it's noise increased, she 'shhh'ed it, fearing it will wake him if he is in fact asleep, she had passed her bathroom, the library and a few other rooms that she'd never even entered. As she neared his room she saw his door was left ajar, but he couldn't have been up or the TARDIS would have reacted, he obviously didn't like to close it when he went to sleep. By now it was 11:48pm, twelve minutes to Christmas, or TARDIS Christmas at least (they had their own time system so they'd know birthdays, annual events, seasons etc.). She knew the Doctor had gotten her a present, she walked in to the library when wrapping paper and selotape surrounded him, he jumped up to cover what he was doing, from what Clara saw, he wasn't a great present wrapper…

They'd each gotten each other a few presents, some were under the tree, and some were hidden away until morning, Clara had bought him a bow tie when they were in New York, 1947, it was forest green with black polka dots, very Doctor-ish along with a new hair comb, since his snapped in his pocket, some new hear gel, since he used all of his up and some woolen socks she'd knitted herself. She was worried she'd gone a bit overboard, but she kept thinking of things that he'd love, and she wanted him to have a happy Christmas, the way he acted about it seemed that past ones hadn't been great. This sometimes bothered Clara, that she knew so little about his past; only recently had she found out he had traveled with numbers of humans, she wasn't even the first. The times that it always bothered her was when he asked for the TARDIS interface, because it always projects a person that the Doctor was close with, cared for, and the TARDIS has a knack of always coming up first with the same woman. The Doctor gets pretty angry when she does, because he always sonics it so it disappears immediately, Clara had never really even seen her properly, all she'd seen is that she has blonde hair, and she's pretty, but she'd never seen enough to know how she really looks.

Just then, Clara remembered that she had to give the Doctor another present, but not from herself. It had been quite strange actually, because when they were in 1947 New York, a woman came up to Clara, more walked past her. She had flaming red hair and legs that went for miles, she just shoved a little wrapped box in Clara's hand and walked off, it simple said "Dear Doctor, Merry Christmas! Love and hugs, the Centurion and the Girl who waited x", Clara didn't have time to think about it, because at that moment, the Doctor whizzed her off and she just shoved the box in her pocket, Clara had to find it for Christmas morning, it must've still been in her pocket. She contemplated going to find it, but she figured she could in the morning.

She arrived at the Doctor's door, she felt nervous, she didn't know what she was planning to say to him, she didn't even know why she was there, she just knew she wanted to see him. She gently pushed the door further open, and slowly poked her head around the frame…


	3. Chapter 3

She drew back, she was scared, well not scared, but nervous, she'd never seen him in pajamas, she didn't even know if he wore pajamas, she was frightened of what she might find out by looking into that room. She was aware her thoughts were irrational, but everything around her was irrational, everything she thought while she was with the Doctor was irrational, everything she thought about the Doctor was irrational. She was stuck to the wall like a poster, and she stayed like this for longer than she'd admit; now it was 11:57pm. Three minutes.

She drew up the courage, she succumbed to the urge to see him, her line of vision crawled through the doorway. There he was. How could she have been afraid of this? He lay curled up inside his three duvets, wearing what looked like a onesie covered in snowmen, his face completely untroubled. His sonic screwdriver protruded out of the onesie pocket, as close as it could be to him, he was perfect in her eyes. His usually greased hair flopped across his face, still with parts damp from his shower, covering up his forehead; he was completely pure and untouched. His arms were strewn over the edge of the bed, a large teddy bear resting on one, as if he held it close as he went to sleep, he twitched and then returned to peace, she didn't want to disturb his slumber, so she slowly and silently backed out of his bedroom, a room she'd never been in. It was covered in Gallifreyan sticky notes and lots of books, and lots of coats.

She didn't feel like going back to bed, or indeed back to her room, so she sad in the corridor, up against the wall, she looked at her watch and it just turned 11:59pm, less than a minute remained, but it didn't feel like Christmas until she was with the Doctor. She heard a faint beeping noise, she jumped, she was afraid the Doctor would wake up and see her sitting alone at midnight, so she scuttled back into her room, having just realized the noise was coming from the console, she told the TARDIS to stop, but nothing changed, and Clara kept a lookout from her room. She saw the Doctor's door open, and he quietly stepped into the corridor toward the console.

"Thanks for that, old girl" the Doctor whispered as he turned of the beeping,

"but don't wake Clara". The TARDIS hummed in response, Clara didn't know why the TARDIS wasn't telling the Doctor that she was already awake, and it was no secret that she wasn't keen on Clara, but Clara stayed silent nonetheless.

"I'll go and get it now" he said excitedly as he turned around, Clara ducked back so he wouldn't see her; she wanted to know what he was up to. He slowly and quietly walked to the library and soon returned, lugging along a giant Christmas tree, he'd told Clara before that it was too dangerous to put one in the console room; he obviously wanted to surprise her.

"Doctor!" Clara exclaimed, she couldn't contain her excitement any longer

"Clara? Did I wake you? Ignore this!" he implored, gesturing to the tree, Clara had never felt so happy, looking at him sliding around the console room in his onesie, she darted toward him and embraced him so tightly she thought she may squeeze him to death, but he didn't resist, he hugged her tight then pulled her away, "I'm so sorry that I woke you" he muttered sadly

"You didn't, I couldn't sleep, I'd been wondering around for a while" she got quieter toward the end,

"Excitement keep you up?" he asked

"I guess you could say that" she said with a cheeky smirk, he meant excitement for Christmas; she meant the excitement of seeing him once again. She knew she should've felt silly for wanting to be with him so much, but with the way she felt now, she knew that it wasn't irrational to have wanted to see him, it was the sanest thing she'd ever felt.


	4. Chapter 4

"Don't you want to go to bed, it's past midnight?" the Doctor was trying to be kind and considerate, but Clara knew that he wasn't on his way back to bed and he truly wanted her to stay,

"I'm fine, I'd rather stay up anyway" she answered, here eyes slowly making their way up to meet his as they stood in the glow of the console room

"Goody gumdrops!" he exclaimed as he slid across the floor, "how about we each get to open a present now? Not a big one, just a little one?"

"Sounds good to me" Clara replied, mesmerized by the sound of his voice.

Soon they were sitting on the fluffy carpet of the lounge, it had a fireplace which kept it extra cosy, Clara reached into her pocket to bring up the neatly wrapped comb for him, as he held something behind his back.

"Who's gonna go first?" Clara remarked excitedly

"Ladies first, of course" the Doctor replied, so, in response, Clara handed over the little item and placed it in his hand, his eyes lit up as he began to peel off the selotape, his eyes wondered up and he looked at her questioningly

"Yes, you can rip it" Clara replied, knowing exactly what he meant. He tore the paper off in a flurry of ecstasy and he held the comb, examining the little, paisley-like pattern that covered it. There was a silence, and Clara got nervous.

"It's beautiful" he murmured, more to himself, "I love it" he said as he met her gaze.

"I'm so glad! Now it's your turn, Mister!" He presented a poorly wrapped little thing from behind his back, but she still thought it was perfectly done, she reached out and took it from his grip and slowly tore the wrapping paper off, it contained a crimson bow attached to a hairclip,

"I thought it would go with your hair, and you wear a lot of red, so-"

"I love it!" she shouted as she wrapped her arms around him, immediately fastening it into her hair.

"I was right, it looks lovely in your hair!" The Doctor said after a few minutes of silence, a few minutes of them appreciating the fact that the other was there with them, they talked for a while, talked about every adventure they'd been on, and the many they had to come, but still one thing was plaguing Clara's mind.

"Who is she?" Clara suddenly said

"Who's who?" he replied

"The woman, the blonde woman, the TARDIS interface woman?"

"Oh" he muttered, looking at the floor, she was fairly sure that a tear escaped his eye, but he wiped it away immediately

"It's a long story" he began,

"Well then it will be a long night" she retorted

"Her name was Rose" he said slowly, "she used to travel with me, but - er – something happened"

"Is she dead?" Clara said quietly, ashamed that she had brought it up

"No, far from it, she's happy, and alive, living a perfect life, with another me."

"What? What do you mean another you?"

"Something happened, she was sucked into a parallel universe when I needed her, we were reunited, but I gave her up so she could be happy. I- I" he choked on his words, Clara realised this was more important than she thought it was, she realised she shouldn't have brought it up, but there was no going back now.

"How was there another you?"

"Something happened that created a, sort of, human version of me, so it was me but I age and grow just like humans, I gave her up so she could have me, but I couldn't have her".


	5. Chapter 5

The Doctor told Clara all about Rose, the adventures they went on, her smile, her laugh, but still managed to make Clara feel like the most important woman who'd ever traveled with him, he was animated about his tales, until the end, when she was taken from him,

"I'm sorry, it's just that I've never let it all out in one go, I've always told people bit by bit, never at one thirty Christmas morning" he chuckled as he spoke, the sort of chuckle that isn't in reaction to something funny, more a nostalgic chuckle, he looked up at Clara and saw something he didn't expect, she was crying, tears streaming,

"Oh my god, are you alright? I'm so sorry" he gasped as he pulled her towards him and cradled her as she sobbed,

"What did I say? Was it too much about Rose? I'm so sorry" he was nearly sobbing, he couldn't bear to see her cry,

"No, not at all, I'm happy" she choked out, a puzzled look crossed the Doctor's face, "you said I was the first person you told this all to, that makes me feel so special"

"You are special, why would you ever doubt that?" he held the sides of her face and pulled it close to his as he said this, his words were steeped with emotion, and she knew he was not lying.

They sat together for a while, the fire had gone out, so it was pretty cold,

"I'm gonna grab a duvet if we're gonna sit here for much longer, my toes are falling off!" Clara suddenly said as she flowed away to her bedroom, the Doctor was still in his onesie as he watched her leave. She arrived in her bedroom and suddenly a thought struck her, she must find that present from the red haired lady, she scoured through her pockets until she found it, it was in a chocolate brown mini-trench coat, she remembered now because she had worn it with a little, dark red tea dress, and when she first came out at it the Doctor had stared at her for twelve seconds, she'd counted, she took it out of the pocket and lay it on her bed so she'd know where it was when the rest of the presents were needed.

"That took a while," The Doctor moaned when she returned, wrapped in her thick duvet,

"I had to find something for the morning" she replied

"What did you have to find?"

"I can't tell you, it's a surprise!"

"Oh" he humphed, with the demeanour of a stroppy child "So, what shall we do now?" he regained his cheerfulness

"I don't know, can you think of anything fun that involves staying right here?" the Doctor's brows became knitted together as he thought, clearly he thought very hard.

Soon enough after he disappeared out of the room, he returned with a pack of playing cards,

"Go fish? Or whatever you'd like to play!" he exclaimed as he whooshed through the doorway

"Go fish sounds good, shall we get some hot chocolate?" Clara saw his eyes light up at the notion

"Oooooh yeah!" he nearly screamed as he motioned for her to come with him, as soon as she was at the doorway, he grabbed her hand and the ran past doors and doors and doors until they reached the kitchen, where he had the hot chocolate powder made by Mr. Cadbury himself, in two minutes they were both done and they headed slowly back to the library, so as to not spill them anywhere. They nestled themselves down, the Doctor stole some of Clara's duvet as they began their game.


	6. Chapter 6

It seemed the more they laughed and talked and were happier and happier with each other, the more Clara felt something looming, something that was seemingly about to happen. It was like there was an elephant in the room that they were both avoiding talking about, but she didn't even know what or where the elephant was. It was 4:03am, and Clara felt content, every time she looked up to lock eyes with him her happiness increased, she used to think what she felt for the Doctor was ridiculous, impossible, but she was his impossible girl. She would make it possible. She still felt as though she were missing something, though, she knew he felt it too, but she wouldn't bring it up because she wasn't even aware of what it was. She looked up at him; she didn't have the heart to tell him he had a little brown moustache from the hot chocolate, along with the fact he hadn't shaved in a while so there was a little shadow on his chin and cheeks, she couldn't fathom how he still looked perfect.

"Hello? TARDIS to Clara?" he said mockingly, "where did your mind just go?" Clara snapped out of her daze and looked at him

"Sorry, got distracted, go fish" she replied, dazed

"Do you still want to play, I wouldn't mind doing something else?" the Doctor asked

"Sure, wanna just talk for a while?"

"Yeah, why not?" the Doctor's caring tone sent a tingle down her spine, she wanted to tell him what she felt, but she couldn't find the words. Maybe he did feel the same way, was it so crazy to think that he did? She contemplated this in seconds, before throwing on a smile once again.

"What are you thinking about, you're not all here, Clara?" the Doctor was worried about her silence

"I don't know, it's just-" her voice trailed off as she spoke, she didn't know what was wrong,

"Tell me more about your past, the people you've traveled with, who was after Rose?" Clara said, knowing it would cheer her up to hear his tales, just for his velvet voice to surround her.

"Martha, her name was Martha, and she was brilliant, she was a medical student when I met her, she's a doctor now" a grin filled his face as he remembered

"So she's all fine now?"

"Yes, she left on her own terms, because of, um" he didn't know how to finish

"What? What happened?" Clara was curious as to why anyone would want to leave such a wonderful man

"She, she-" he didn't have the words "She was in love with me"

"So why did she want to leave" Clara got nervous as she spoke the words, fearing that she didn't want to know the answer

"She said that I 'never looked at her twice' and she got tired of her loving me without me returning it" he realised that it sounded very cruel "I didn't even know she felt that way, I didn't try to not love her" he was trying to redeem himself, because Clara looked offended by what he said, as if he had wronged Martha, but he tried to explain that Martha wasn't bitter. In actuality, Clara hadn't been upset for Martha, her heart dropped into an endless pit when she realised that's what he thought of her and that he'd never look at her twice, tears streamed down her face once again.


	7. Chapter 7

The Doctor was knocking on her door constantly, it wouldn't stop, and the noise reverberated in her eardrums over and over and over and over. She was humiliated. All that went through her head was remembering thinking 'Maybe he did feel the same way, was it so crazy to think that he did?' she was an idiot, she believed in something she knew could never happen. He stopped knocking, and she heard him slide down the door and sit. Why was he doing this for her, if he didn't even care? Clara bet that he did this for Martha.

After a while she began to doubt herself, if he didn't care why would he sit out there? Maybe she'd overreacted, she had caught him looking at her twice a number of times, she couldn't just ignore the signals, she couldn't believe that her love wasn't being returned, she just couldn't. She thought about him for a while, about all the times he'd hugged her a little too long, stolen a kiss on the cheek, stared at her 'dress' before they went out, she knew what was going on, she was just afraid to get confirmation. He probably just didn't see it in Martha because he was getting over Rose, he is very emotionally inept, he wouldn't fall for someone while someone else was on his mind, and seemingly all that was on his mind right now was Clara, and she knew it all too well.

The Doctor sat, forlorn, outside of her bedroom door, he wasn't going to leave, still in his onesie he had lost the feeling in his toes, but he didn't have the heart to turn the heat up, it was Christmas after all. Christmas. This was one of the worst yet. He couldn't hear her sobbing any longer, he considered knocking again, but she'd seemed angry with him. The tears had begun to run, her cheeks when scarlet as she whisked herself out of the room, tripping on her duvet, he didn't know what he'd said, he wasn't sure about why Martha would upset her. He didn't understand.

Clara was feeling better, she thought she may have overreacted, after all she wasn't the same as this 'Martha' and she'd be pretty angry if the Doctor thought she was, she was about to let him in, she stepped out of her bed, walked over and turned the door knob, he fell back a little as she opened it, and he turned to see her. Her eyes were red as strawberries and her cheeks were wet with tears, he stood up, wrapped his arms around her and apologised, she looked up at him and then buried her face in his chest, she felt warm and happy, and she knew he felt the same way.

"Presents?" she said in a timid voice

"Presents!" he yelled enthusiastically, jumping away from her embrace, he ran to retrieve her gifts, and she did the same for his. She gathered them all in her grip, not forgetting that from the red haired lady and went to the library and set them out so they'd look lovely when he'd arrive, he walked in and his eyes immediately fell to the one in the different wrapping paper, he darted towards it and grabbed it.

"Where did you get this?" he cried

"Wh- it was a bit weird, when we wer-" her speech was interrupted

"Who gave this to you?" he gasped as he came so close that their noses touched

"A lady in 1947 New York, she red hair an-" interrupted again, he sighed, sighed in intense relief as it sunk in, Amy and Rory had found Clara to give this to him, he'd never felt happier.


	8. Chapter 8

No matter how much Clara tried to get him to explain, he refused, she didn't know why, but she had to trust him, how could she not trust who she was in love with?

For a while, they sat in silence, Clara knew he was distracted, she wanted his attention back, but she didn't know how, but she knew what she wanted to do, but she couldn't.

"At least tell me her name" Clara pleaded

"Amy" he replied bluntly, she could tell he was a little annoyed at her, she needed to redeem herself

"Next present?" as she said this he tried to hide his happy reaction, but his façade snapped and he broke into a smile, she handed him the hair gel, and he hugged her like never, she felt that something had changed for the better, maybe he'd realised his feelings? She got excited as he handed her a gift, it was big, seemingly a box, she tore the wrapping off quickly and it revealed a velvet, dark purple tea dress, it was gorgeous and her heart skipped a beat as she read the tag which wrote 'Merry Christmas, 3 Doctor'. Now she was nearly sure of what he felt. The next present for him was the knitted socks, green and navy blue, she handed them to him and their hands touched, he definitely lingered, he slowly brought them out of the paper and immediately rubbed them against his cheek,

"They're so soft!" he gasped happily. He put his next gift on the floor by her hand, clearly avoiding awkward contact, she unwrapped a silver necklace with a deep blue gem at its peak

"Topaz, your birthstone, it was made on your exact day of birth, the day I bought it" he admitted sheepishly, Clara kissed him on the cheek and he blushed, she knew that no one made that effort for a friend, she knew it meant more.

They had arrived at their last presents, Clara went first, watching the Doctor's ecstasy as he opened his brand new bow tie, he simply nodded and said, confidently, "Cool" and then slid over and gave her a cuddle in return, he was unbelievably happy, holding her. He handed her an envelope, she slowly and confusedly opened it, it held a sheet of paper that had a long set of coordinates,

"Am I supposed to understand?" she muttered as she looked into his eyes,

"Go to the console and enter those numbers on the screen, then pull the wibbly lever" he replied, she left to do so and he followed, with a smug grin on his face. She did so and the TARDIS took off, rather roughly, the flight took a few minutes and they were falling all over the place.


	9. Chapter 9

She finally landed, and Clara peeped at the Doctor curiously, "Open the doors, Clara" as she slowly walked to the entrance, she pushed the doors open excitedly to reveal they were sitting in the middle of space, looking at the most beautiful constellation of stars she's ever seen and in the sky, wider than the sun, the stars were ordered 'CLARA'. A tear escaped her eye as she realised he had rearranged a galaxy as a Christmas present, she ran to him. She was sure now.

She leaned in to kiss him; he pushed her back suddenly,

"Clara! What are you doing?"

"Saying thank you" she replied as his cheeks turned crimson and his hands shook,

"No, no, let's calm down" she knew what he meant, he wanted to wait until later, otherwise he'd have been more strict, she knew what 'calm down' meant, it meant that at some point you had to calm back up.

"Do you want to have a sleep? You look exhausted," the Doctor whispered

"Ok, but only if you come and sit with me until I fall asleep"

"No problem," they made their way to Clara's room and he settled her into her mattress, he spoke of nebulas and galaxies and constellations and stars bigger than life itself, then she was asleep, but before she went to sleep, she knew that he held her hand, he didn't know, but she did.

Her eyelids fluttered to her awakening, he still sat by her bedside, watching her peacefully. They went to get breakfast and discussed their presents, they were as happy as could be, when the Doctor turned

"Clara, I want to talk to you about something, something very important"

"Hmm?"

"After telling you about Martha, I remember about all the pain it caused me when I realised the misunderstanding, and I don't want that to happen to us, I want us to be completely clear about our feelings for one another, which brings me onto what I am about to say," Clara's stomach was filled with butterflies, as she knew what was about to escape his mouth, whether he'd say those three words or just imply them, she knew what was coming,

"After last night, I feel as though we have some conflicting emotions toward each other, and I just want it to be on the record that you are my absolute best friend, there's no one I'd rather be travelling with, but, but, there are no romantic feelings there, you're my mate" Blank. Clara's mind went blank. It's like she was dropped off a cliff but there was no ground to hit. He didn't love her. She was his mate. A flame ignited her heart, as she got angry, furious that he had been leading her on like a dog on a chain.

"I think there probably is someone you'd rather travel with," there was a streak of acidity in her voice, it was cutting and he feared what came next "I bet you'd rather be travelling with Rose" she said it so calmly as she walked to her room you'd not know she was angry, but the Doctor knew he'd lost her, lost her forever.


End file.
